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Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.