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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.