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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them