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I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
I think Iām allergic to mornings.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Iām thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.