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The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass