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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.