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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
sleep is for people without netflix
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!