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In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.