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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone