Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.