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It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.