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I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.