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Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.