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When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.