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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.