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Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.