Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?