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Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.