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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
It needs more cowbell!!