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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.