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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.