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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?