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Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.