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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.