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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?