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There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."