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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
You are wasting your time reading this status.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.