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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Smelling another person should be a choice.