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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.