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Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.