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I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.