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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.