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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.