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I may not look good naked, but I`m a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.