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What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.