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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”