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All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."