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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.