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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?