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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.