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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.