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I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
Can I get likes for no reason?