Daily Silly Status

the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils

I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean

Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.

A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.

You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.

Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely

“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.

I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.

My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...

Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.

I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.

*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.

Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?

I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.

I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m