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People will do odd things to get even.
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.