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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.