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The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Don`t act like your not impressed.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."