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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.