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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.