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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".