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I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.