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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....