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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
High-five a veteran today.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.