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There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO