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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?