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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!