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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.