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Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
I laugh in the face of normal.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.