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I just called. To say. I texted you.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward