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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors