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The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.