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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords