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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink