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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.