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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted