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If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.