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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.