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Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.