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Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
This century is already 15% over.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.