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Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached