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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.