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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
u cant spell awesome without me
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).