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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.