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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.