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When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.