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Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.