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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.