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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.