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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.