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Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
Iām jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.