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Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
People assume Iām smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!