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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.