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never be afraid to wipe twice
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner