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I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch