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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.