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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”