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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?