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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.