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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
awesome collection!
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.