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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!