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“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
When in doubt, take a nap.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.