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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.