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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!