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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.