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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.