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There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume