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Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver