Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you