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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up