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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.