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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!