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Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
I drink to make other people interesting
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.