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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.