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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.