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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.