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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.