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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.