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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like