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If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass