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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.