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Worry: a waste of imagination.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.