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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Beer is good, but beers are better.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
Iām not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.