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Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
I’m bored enough to clean.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.