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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.