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Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."