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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.