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I drink to make other people interesting.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
like this if you are against animal cruelty
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.