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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.